For as long as I can remember, I’ve had trouble expressing myself, verbally more specifically. As a kid, I often felt trapped and anxious because I had so much going on on the outside and inside. I found it hard to communicate and speak for myself, and it was pretty sad to know that it affected my confidence, that I didn’t really have anyone I could speak to, and understand what I was feeling.
At some point, I realized that if I couldn’t just tell people directly about it, maybe I could, at least, show it through other forms. It took me a while, too, to feel ‘allowed’ and ‘justified’ to tell others my opinions and, basically, share to others what I think. Writing was sometimes embarrassing because you’ve let your imagination running wild, and then fictions were specifically a million times more prone to judgment and criticism because of the idea itself. I never thought anything about it was right, but I just wanted to keep doing it. Later on, I I discovered some more genres or styles in writing, then I started to write drabbles, and poems.
And then also started growing interest in taking photos. I
don’t specifically store and show them off either, but I kinda like capturing
myself, people, circumstances, moments. I learnt designing and decorating, I
studied foreign languages, too, though my ability is still far from proper.
Every time I started doing something new, I’d still think, “Who do you think
you are to feel allowed to do this? Who do you think you are when there are so
many people out there who are so good at doing this? Do you think you are
enough while others have being doing it for their entire lives? Who am I to
think that I was able to create something beautiful?”
The self discouraging is always loud, both internally and
externally. But, the truth is, there has always been beauty and capability
within all of us. It is, indeed, rather hard to express is out loud, especially
when you are less skilled. But if you really stick it to your habit, you will
able to get to the point where you put aside negative thoughts and focus on
what’s positive on the inside instead.
Until today, I still find myself lacking in pursuing what I
want to produce and achieve. But I started to understand that the most
important thing would maybe the phase when you’re just doing it for the sake of
doing it, when you feel like you need to do it and you do it anyway. I continue
thinking, and writing, until I’m able to speak freely with my own mouth, instead
of shutting my mind once for all, and not letting any single word coming out. I
still consider this experience a trial, but never a burden. That’s why I still
want to try writing through as many medium as I can think of. Although the
result is subpar, and the response is rather average, at least it works for me.
Creating things gives off a sense that sends your points across, and a feeling
that makes you proud.
Let’s forget about being admired for a while, because a
semblance of satisfaction after doing it has been enough for now. Doing
something not necessarily for the recognition, but rather for finishing it and
pursuing the feeling of being able to finally do something, isn’t so bad after
all. Thanks to platforms like blog, twitter and ig, I’m beginning to think,
there’s always a way I can communicate things.
Although, speaking through a writing on my blog like this could
still be considered as me talking to a big void with countless doubts and
insecurities, this kind of mindset slowly helps me to not stress about the
outcome. In fact, I used to be stressed a lot by the thought of whether the
result is good or not. But, honestly, if I can stand being incapable of things,
there has to be a chance, too, where I should be able to make any other things
work as well. Maybe, someday, I can do many other things, too. Only, for now, enjoy
everything in between, then you’ll know you already have enough to keep on
going. (Baby steps, girl. We’ll get there!)