You did well, Jonghyun

I’ve been thinking about whether I should or not write about it. But it’s my idol’s departure I’m dealing with this time. And with the realization of my lacking acknowledge about mental health/condition, I thought I’d still try talking about this matter, that also gained so much attention across the world.

Let me start by stating I know nothing about his struggle, so I’m not gonna put assumptions on his depressions nor the possible thoughts before he finally decided to end his own life. It’s his very life and agenda. But, let me just tell you my point of view, from someone who has been a huge fan of SHINee and him for 8 years.

Kim Jonghyun, or as simple as Jonghyun, is one of the five members of a South Korean boy group called SHINee. He was born on 8^th April, 1990. He lived well with his mom and older sister.

He started his career as an SM Entertainment trainee in 2005. He finally debuted with other four peers on May 25^th 2008. Apart from living his idol life with the group, Jonghyun is also acknowledged as one of the nation’s greatest singer and songwriter, and his works for other artists have become popular among people.

Through the years, he sure had achieved a lot. As I said, he shone so bright both as a SHINee member and a soloist/producer. You name it: selling numerous albums, earning awards, holding concerts, having local and international fan meetings, various entertainment activities, and even receiving recognition from world’s leader (Barack Obama is a fan of SHINee, for your information).

Also, he was a man with lots of love for  his family, members, seniors and juniors, friends. And, for sure, they loved him back very much and dearly.

He loved his music and making it, he loved performing on stages and was honored for his acts. He was adored for his bright personality and timeless support for people around him. He loved his fans back. He basically had everything in his life. I thought, he had basically everything in his life.

Now, let’s talk about the surrounding. Most said he had depression through some years in his life. Some said he even publicly informed people that he actually had certain mental condition that made him pretty unstable when it comes to dealing with struggle, sadness, etc.

Please note that I have limited information only about Jonghyun and mental condition in general, thus, I’d love to be educated, too. But, from what I can understand, and all I can say about Jonghyun, he was just really like anybody else. He had a battle going on. He had hardships to deal with. He might or might not face it the way other people out there do, but I’m sure he’d fought for his life.

If you barely know anything about SHINee or Jonghyun, I hope you don’t jump into conclusion by saying he pretended all the time, and he always sought spotlight just to turn his sadness all the way round. As a huge supporter who has been following the group and members for years, I can confidently say: he never.

It is true that, through his time being a radio DJ, he introduced the listeners to many forms of mental condition, and being a happy person, or being a sad person. He talked about many issues, including his struggle with insomnia and mental condition. He did it in hope the people listening to him would both deal with condition well and help any other patient with such condition even better.

Ultimately, he had to step down from being the host of the show. It affected his overall health, actually, but he never seemed quitting. In fact, he kept writing good songs about giving support and love to each other, started to exercise more, even announced he’d get medical treatment for his insomnia. He seemed to fix his life and pursue a way healthier one. I thought it all worked. I thought he’d get better and happier, but he did not.

He had fought, he just didn’t win. And as his departure became a huge talk among people across the globe, I just want to highlight his never ending fight against depression and that’s all that matters.

This is my last point: depression can still win.

I wish I could say that Jonghyun seeking for medical help is enough. He let his closest acquaintances know about his mental issue. He had his family keep a close eye for him, and his members shower him with love and support. We, the fans, also support him however possible.

But, maybe, it's just the monster that was way bigger that we thought. Maybe, the monster inside him couldn’t be tamed no matter how hard he tried and expected it to be.

Finally, I’m positive to say that Jonghyun was such a happy, talented young man who’s lived his life to the fullest. He genuinely loved and was loved. And he was grateful for it all.

I’m writing for everyone who wants to understand a little bit more about his departure. We still don’t know know why he didn’t win the battle against his depression, and I guess we'll never know. I am concerned about how people may have some miss conceptions about his departure, so I really wish later on there'll be no more people saying that he is stupid, coward, and ungrateful with his life.

I’m not saying that I’m supporting his action. I’m totally opposing the idea of suicide. But, I also want everyone know that depression is an illness to cure. I hope everyone can appreciate what Jonghyun had been through and how he'd fight. I don’t want anyone to see the effort he’d put into his life to fix it all being overshadowed by his last decision . This is an absolutely wake-up call for all of us that mental health is important. And to be kind to everyone out there is basically a very civic thing to do.

Thank you for reading, and have a nice day.

For Kim Jonghyun, you did well. You sure will be missed.

Self care isn't selfish

It may sound cliché, but self-love is very important. Sometimes, people try to search someone or something in order to feel complete and loved. Boyfriend, girlfriend, getting promotion, being rich, all of those points have the potential to distract us from what's most important that is love from within. I don’t neglect the importance having someone who loves us or something we love, I just started to look deeper than it. Accepting ourselves first is way more fulfilling. And having self-love isn’t an act of selfishness at all.

Last September, I graduated from college. Various thoughts of what’s probably coming next is haunting me, including finding a job, working with people, settling down in a company, building a career. The thoughts are terrifying. They are not happening yet, but I know they are coming. When I first made aware of this, I did not know yet how to react. I just try not to feel stressed. I try not to feel pressured. One thing I know is I should just getting prepared.

I thought, “Real life is starting very soon”. Sure, I have some other plans like going to more seminars or workshops, and learning from online courses, but I think going to work right after college is exactly the phase in life. The absurdity of this situation is very real and uncomfortable. I finally have to live on my own. The effect of this reality come crashing on me was probably I start to get anxious easily. I once had panic attack, and I totally didn’t feel well some other times.

Then, I realized that if things keep on going this way, I’d know damn well I would lose myself and precious moments in the present. I’m going to always be in panic mode before really functioning to even do house chores or go outside and have fun. That’s when I made the decision to let it all flow and accept the fact that I’m still figuring things out. I might get a job sooner or later, but I rather enjoy this exact phase.

Accepting my flaws and loving myself first allow me to move past most of my worries. I start focusing on being a good kid and friend. I start focusing more on me and the time I’m living right now. I devoted more time to discover new music and movies, make-up products, and other things I find myself interested in. I make myself sure this isn’t denial. In fact, this is freedom. And I give myself a huge chance to love myself first and more before anything else.

Nobody knows what’ll be coming next. Realizing this makes me sure that I am the one I should focus on first and not rely on other things that are still unclear. I am still working on loving myself, though, and I bet this is a lifetime process. I just wish I’d always make time for the important things, rather than those I fear happening. Growing this self-love is the best that I can do right now and I believe this isn’t selfish at all.

The Alchemist: My insight

What’s so important with knowing what to do in life? I think about this after I finished reading one of my all-time favorite book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Well, what is exactly our purpose in life? The answer, sure, will vary according to the people. Different people have different purposes in life, too. But another thing that’s sometimes overlooked when we’re talking about it is the time. When should we figure what we really want to do with our life? Further, when do we have to achieve all the dreams and goals to say our life purpose has been served? 

Through this book, I learn that we can’t force ourselves to figure things out at once, and to pursue certain life purposes as well. It may not be true for some reason because people will also say, what’s the point of living, then? However, searching for the meaning and purpose of life itself is living. Do we have to find the answer right away? No.

For not having things figured out yet is totally understandable. For wanting to continue living because that is the purpose of our life is actually fine, too.

There’ll may be times when we feel lost about what we’ve been doing with our lives. We can think of something new, but it doesn’t have to cost what we cherish the most for so long: freedom. If we have the courage and belief, then do it. If we feel like we don’t, then don’t do it. Don’t worry about not realizing the answer to the purpose of life. One step at a time. We’ll know when we know.