Aftersun: My insight

I watched Aftersun earlier this year. At first, I was skeptical to see it as I thought it would be just some ordinary, cliche drama movie - until it was nominated for Oscar and watching it has left a mark on me. It was a film that left you devastated quietly, but it hurt (and impressed) so good. The ending doesn't have to speak loud volumes to tell us what happened or what fate the characters could have while they're struggling. For me, it was a very relatable masterpiece about memories and mental issues.

Aftersun is one of the most profound movies of 2022. You can't help but feel something along the way. It was so natural and dear, to the point that I thought it was just too good to be true. From the captivating beginning to the heart-wrenching ending, let's discuss it!

(SPOILER ALERT)

About melancholy and Calum

When I started watching the movie, I was convinced that there must be something going on with the male protagonist, Calum (Paul Mescal). It became true, though not obvious, through the many scenes we saw him having hard time communicating, socializing, and simply being there as himself. Whenever he spent his time with his daughter, the reality was felt kinda distorted. The weight of absence of his senses is getting heavy when he had to go interacting by himself, to breaking down alone.

Aftersun is a movie that tells you everything you should know without bluntly saying it. Indeed, it could show far more than it tells.

It's not clearly stated, but heavily implied that Calum has the tendency of having self-destructive behaviors. He is never proclaimed or diagnosed in the movie, but shows so many signs of someone suffering from a mental illness. You may have guessed it that he always hid it from his daughter to portray a good father that he potentially is, but in the moments of solitary, you'll realize his pain, worry, self-loathing, and despair that surround him. I may have to say, too, that this is one of the best portrayals about depression in a movie that I've ever watched. 

One gut-punching moment of Calum was when he casually mentioned that he doesn't think of getting into 40, as he was surprised himself that he made it to 30. 

His fate isn't confirmed, but the last scene where he disappeared into the rave indicated a detachment from life. Something bad could've happened to him and I guess his life ends in a heartbreaking manner. You'll realize that, this whole time, there's been a lot missing from his life, but mostly, he lost himself. The vacation he had with this daughter was probably the last memory we had of him and the loving father, person that we'd seen on the journey will be gone forever.

About memories and Sophie

It was the final night of their holiday in Turkey, where Calum and his daughter spent it with some ice cream and dancing to "Under Pressure" in their hotel restaurant. This scene has been intertwining Sophie's, Calum's daughter, visualization along the way of the movie about her and her dad in a rave party. She tried to grab to him, but couldn't. At this point, the scene is continuously showing the child and adult Sophie.

Aftersun in a movie about memory. The movie started with adult Sophie watching a recording of her vacation with her dad. 

We, then, know from the movie itself that she fully watched them. Many of the scenes were filled with her rave-type situation where she seemed to watch her father. In my opinion, this seems like a longing effort to reach him. The blurry visual and audio represented her fading memories of her father, and also the declining mental health of him. She could only watch him from afar. Him dancing along in a sea of people making it harder for her to get to him. Metaphorically, this could also be a sign of her inability to hold on to the real presence of him as she aged and they became less close.

Each of this dancing scene offers an interesting perspective of the film. If you view it from this lens, the movie remains painfully sad, but it gives tributes to memories: the power of making them and losing them. Memories keep people alive in spirit. Even if it gradually fades along the time, memories keep feelings alive and real.

The final shot of the movie confirms it all. Sophie paused when her dad recording her waving goodbye as they departed. Calum walked away, not going to the real world but instead, to the rave that's always been in Sophie's memory. This is most likely her final active memory of her father.

About aging and Aftersun

We learn that Calum and Sophie are going through the opposite directions towards aging. Throughout the movie, Sophie has always shown interests in growing up. She embraces adulthood with excitement. On the other hand, Calum fears getting older. It is a presumably common fear of the 30's, but he seems to be more haunted. He has many things wrong in his life.

The fear of aging is the arc of this movie, where the adults could only look back and reflect.

We got to see the trip was to celebrate Sophie's birthday, sort of. Then, by the trip ended, Sophie wished her father a happy birthday. They have an unbreakable connection and bound; it almost feels like a cycle.

We were only shown a glimpse of adult Sophie, but she seemed to have grown to a similar age as Calum during their vacation in the past when she celebrated her birthday later. She chose to re-watch the recordings of her and her dad. She started to get into the new phase of life by remembering her father, and that both birthdays that are close to each other. She might also have the same anxiety following the adult life: is this the life I wanted at this age? Am I the person the younger me would be right now?

Aging can be a curse and a privilege. For Calum, though, it's something he'll never get to look forward to. For both him and Sophie, he's frozen in his 30s.

*

Aftersun is a movie that may not be my initial go-to watch list, but I'm glad I watched it. It was so thought-provoking and delivers a new look at memories, aging, mental health, and parenting. The vibe is almost upbeat, but it doesn't shy away from the melancholy tone it originally clings to, making it one of the saddest movies when you finished it.

+Life updates ✧

 Happy 2023!

Because I am more of a visual person, I want to write something like a TedTalk - kinda, but it's a blog post. I want to talk about what happened in 2022 and we'll put out into the universe for the new year. Whatever we would've wanted to happen in 2023, let's keep in mind about them.

I'm not big on manifesting. I thought I've done it but it failed (things I manifested on didn't happen), or so that I haven't done it quite correctly or properly. I guess this year is the right time to start doing it right because I saw many people start manifesting on crazy things and they happen.

So, welcome again to my, hopefully not a boring kind of tedtalk or blog post about 2022 and life updates.

I turned 27. I still live in a budget plan (tee-hee). 2022 was a lot; I don't know if I'm the only one who felt like that or the whole world also felt that 2022 was overwhelming. By a lot I mean a lot LOT that happened, but I guess they were just probably some continuations from 2021.

If you also remember it correctly, the Corona pandemic broke out in March 2020. While I personally got vaccinated (double shots) in 2021, the pandemic has gotten more easily spread out in early 2022. Not to mention the whole 2021 being one of the worst years of my life, where I developed GERD.

(Please note that I don't intend to be dramatic on this personal life event. I know some of you must've had to survive harder during the hard times, and I'll always have my thoughts and prayers if you lost your loved ones due to the illness and such)

I got infected with Covid in March 2022. I was in absolute devastation. I didn't go out much, and when I did. I kept wearing my masks, used hand sanitizers, basically was very obedient to the health protocols. 

Everything was fine until I had sore throat, an initial symptom I had never experienced even when I got flu or cough throughout my life. To get the message that I was positive for Covid, I just had so many questions and need to blame things. 

Throughout the week, I still had my mother who was relatively healthy and I was grateful for that. My only focus was to only recover myself and help her stay fit. 

2022 was year of realization of many things.

There was one day where I was home, but I didn't know who I was, what to do or what I was doing. I felt depressed. It was either spending some days filling them up by getting busy with works, or just laying on the bed not sleeping. That was because I didn't want to face the world and be reminded of how sad I was and that was SO SAD. I never talked about this so far, but I genuinely realized this stuff needs to be talked about. Every single person in the world goes through it. Why are we all gatekeeping the fact that we are humans and we go through things like this. 

It sucks. Sometimes, life SUCKS. But the great thing also about life is that, more other times, it gets back to being great again very quickly.

Thanks to many other people as well who make me realize there's still a life ahead of me. I was just dealing with broken heart, my life was changing in so many literal different ways. I was lost until I decided to start opening up and sharing more with some of the closest people around me. I remember a while ago I also decided to be more proactive to talk with a therapist, but it didn't go quite well so I'll just give it a time for another chance.

The whole decision to talk to other people was really hard in my circumstances because I was raised in a family where we don't talk about, let alone acknowledge feelings. It's always been repressed in the first place; I was just required to act like everything was fine, though it's not. From then on, if I was angry I should acknowledge the feeling that I am annoyed. If I felt like crying or laughing, I will. And it got easier. If it was as simple as singing along to a song or going around the place feeling the wind, as lame as they sound. They helped me a lot! Little by little, I tried to embrace the world and most importantly, be more open and true with myself, and I started feeling better about who I am and what I'm gonna do with my life. Doing yoga, hitting the gym, started swimming again, visiting new places, and trying out more new things have been great outlets for me to express all I've been going through in one of the hardest year of my life.

If you're going through similar case with your life, I'm terrible sorry that it happened to you. I'm sorry that it doesn't seem fair or right. It must've been hard to feel like yourself when you've got through much in life, but we are not alone. There must still be someone out there who really love and care about you, even if it's just a cat. 

I want us to be happy. I was on a path that was very bad for my physique and mentality, but I'm glad I find people now who help me turn that around. Even 2022 was another year that sucked, I'll just still hope for 2023 being a kind of a little brighter side of a tunnel. Starting from myself - I've been feeling comfortable with my solitary and I'm in a better place now about myself. I'm sending so much love to you reading wherever you are.

Lastly, manifestations for the new year: In 2023, I want to treasure and nurture the good relationship that I already had with some of very previous people in my life, and I just want this year to have a lot of fun and be easy since the world has gone crazy for too long now. Positive energy <3 in 2023 <3 this is going to be a year worth living and telling! It's going to get better!1

Cheers to growing together and being the best version of ourselves. Here's to attracting everything good and positive throughout the year. We got this! I believe in us (: